If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
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evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Not recommended for beginners.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I just love that new Pope smell.