I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
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Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about