If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
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Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Bless you
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.