SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
You Might Also Like
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Perfect.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*