cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
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Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that