[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
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Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Breaking news:
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]