Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
You Might Also Like
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know