I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
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I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Canadian owl: Eh?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.