Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
You Might Also Like
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
This kid is a star!
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.