“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
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“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
We need to put an American base on the sun
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)