Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
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I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
The game has officially changed 😎
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this