OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 馃構
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I鈥檓 one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could鈥ould you get it down?
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?