Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
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When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.