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Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.