I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
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Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
uh oh
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.