Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
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Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider