A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
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[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.