I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
The biggest mystery of our time
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Mmmm canned fish.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.