Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
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[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Pringles
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.