When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
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If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
It has been 3 years since Monday.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.