C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
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WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
#merica
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.