Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
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I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Not now. I’m deglazing.