Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
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If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Home is where your toilet is.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Driving in Europe vs Canada
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*