I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
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When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”