Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him