[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness