Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
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They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.