WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
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[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Actually cracking up @ this
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….