He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
You Might Also Like
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important