[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
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Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.