WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
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CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.