“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
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when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Not my job 😂
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.