I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
You Might Also Like
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
*lint rolls you awake*
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.