Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
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I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
this post was so formative to me
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time