ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
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Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.