I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
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Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Ovenable?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Good point.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
his wife is probably gonna see that
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.