the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
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(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi