could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
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Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I only treason on days ending in y
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.