I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
You Might Also Like
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
#winning
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.