Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
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Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
How do you like your Corgi?
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Finally!
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby