When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
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[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Yes
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾