I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
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I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Smooooooth
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
this is how life feels
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.