I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
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wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.