If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
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In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.