Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.