The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Noah
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
me irl
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
That’s fair
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*