Me trying to reach for my goals
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“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Care for your back
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?