I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
My love language is hissing.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.