My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
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my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa