Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
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I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
the best thing i’ve ever made
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.